We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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