My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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