hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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