Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
