It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
