is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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