Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
