I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
