i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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