Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize