you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
