I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
