i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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