In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
