My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
