my phone needs a breathalizer
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
