i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize