FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
