Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
