Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
