I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
