Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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