hotel room ftw
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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