She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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