It's like God shit irony all over that family
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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