all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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