what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
