i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
