we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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