then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
