i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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