Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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