Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
