It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
