What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize