My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
