he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
