so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
