I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
