I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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