I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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