Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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