literally had 100 drinks last night.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Life is so much better after having sex.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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