I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize