unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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