I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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