"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize