4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She told me I should be a condom model.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
