I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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