My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The air was thick with penises
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
