When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
