my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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