Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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