The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize