i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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