My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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