I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
