I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
