My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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