if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
