4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
