cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
