Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
