I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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