Sober January is a disaster.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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