final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
