An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
